At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize