He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
