I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
