Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
