Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No subtext here. People are naked.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
