Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
