my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
