Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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