ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
