girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
