Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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