did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
