Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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