It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
