at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
