How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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