after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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