My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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