I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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