Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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