Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
