I'm eating all of the evidence.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm experimenting with sincerity
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
