I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize