Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
