Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
