:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
