So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
