I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
