i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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