Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize