Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
