Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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