I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
