god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
