Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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