her facebook's as public as her vagina
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
