What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
