Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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