I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
