I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
