well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
