I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
