We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
