he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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