So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
