Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
