Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
