I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
