You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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