I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
