she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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