I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
