I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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