Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
