I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
