when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize