Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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