the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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