I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
